As much as I like to think of myself as this super progressive mom I admit that I am old fashioned in a lot of ways. My babies will forever be seen by me as babies but even when I want to freeze time they show me that they are maturing in a way that surpasses my understanding.
One day after school Samaya expressed that she really wanted a baby brother or sister. I have not shared with many and definitely not my kids that I am no longer able to have kids (more on that another time as I still have times when I am sad about it…) and so I let her know that perhaps her dad will get married and have more children. Samaya proceeded to frown her little face up and say that she wants the additional sibling to come from me…
I asked her how she would feel if I began to date someone who already had a child that may be younger than her, would that work? To my surprise she actually showed enthusiasm about that option. And so I pressed a bit further…
Here’s a bit of our conversation:
Me: so if mommy and daddy began to date other people how would you feel about that?
Sam: daddy is already dating, I been knew that
Me: well alright…
Sam: yeah I figured it was coming when we didn’t all live together anymore ~shrug
Me: ok so then you would be ok with meeting whoever daddy and I end up dating if it becomes serious?
Sam: mommy…*places her hand on my shoulder* I trust you. I know you wouldn’t just pick anybody. I trust you to make the right decisions
Me: *fights back tears*
The conversation went on a bit further with her telling me that she would be ok with it and Khalil agreed and said that he is ok being in a blended family as his dad has been in a committed relationship for a while.
I share this because I call myself shielding my children from any and everything I experienced as a child. My mom was very careful in not having us around a bunch of men. There was no mr. Whoever or uncle so and so and I thank her for that. My dad did introduce us to a few women but again they were around for extended periods of time as well.
This whole time though I have been harboring guilt for the failed relationships with the fathers of my kids. I wanted my children to have two parent households, to experience a life different than what I had growing up.
Though my minds painted picture of an ideal family didn’t materialize, I realize that my children are not suffering because of it. They are loved and flourishing because though my relationships didn’t work out, they have amazing dads and extended blended families who love them each equally. For this I am grateful. For this I can begin to let my guard down more because they are ok and teach me just as I teach them.
I guess the universe is telling me to be open to receiving love again… I am working on it day by day…I continue to be a work in progress.