Shana 4.0: Bionic Edition

On this day, exactly one year ago, I was in a mindset of transformation and renewal. I had moved to a new neighborhood, had a new car and due to yet another disappointment in my attempt at the dating life I had no energy to entertain half-assed attempts at occupying my time.

I had just received an invitation to happy hour from a suitor and instead of attempting to grin and bear it, I declined and explained why. I never do that. I usually come up with an excuse to smooth things over or I go for the sake of going.

This time I was over it and because it was such a beautiful day I had made up my mind to go for a run around the lake in my neighborhood.

Well the universe had a different idea for me on May 2, 2017…(warning: graphic images ahead)

Yes that is a bloody hole in my knee. As I was leaving work that day I tripped in the parking lot and after about five hours in excruciating pain in the ER was told that I had a fractured patella and was being admitted because I needed emergency surgery.

A full leg cast, walker and crutches later, I had to face not being able to drive for months, learning how to walk on my own again and the most immense feeling of loneliness that I have ever had to face. I documented some of this, including my lowest points via my Youtube channel because at the time I felt that was my only outlet.

Those that I thought would be there for me in my time of need were noticeably absent and I didn’t like feeling helpless, but I was.

Eventually I began to heal physically (before facing yet another health scare not too long after and just getting over an ankle sprain a month prior), as well as emotionally by talking things through with those I felt abandoned by.

Today, I have a pretty gnarly scar on my knee to forever mark the occasion, and per my orthopedic doctor I will have to live with random pain for the rest of my life and possibly another surgery since he believes my healing didn’t go as planned, but what I took away from this is I gotta slow down. The universe knocked me on my ass so repeatedly last year, literally and figuratively, and I still struggle with not trying to be superwoman but I now know that I am not invincible.

I have a minor disability but I don’t do well with sympathy or being told I can’t do something and so I hide my pain often and push through.

I made it through my year of challenges and so yes I like to think of myself as a bionic woman; I do, however, recognize the value in being still.

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