Lost…and found?

As a child there is nothing more terrifying than walking side by side with a loved one and the next moment you look up and realize you are alone.

Somewhere along the trip you were enjoying yourself, thinking everything is fine not really paying attention and all of a sudden you look up and it isn’t fine.

Enveloped in fear, with tears stinging your eyes as they escape down your face, you attempt to navigate the space and find your comfort. You do not feel relief until you are reunited with that loved one…

As an adult this feeling haunts me. I hang on to what I know because that is my safe place, my comfort zone. I go along at a pace that feels good to me because I have done it so often it’s second nature. So when something comes along to disrupt that it literally makes me sick. The discomfort manifests until I am physically ill.

I have been dealing with a few levels of heartbreak over the past couple of weeks; each one unique and independent of the next but each painful all the same.

This most recent one is absolutely heart wrenching and there are days when I think I’m ok but when I have a little bit of downtime my brain goes into overdrive and I wonder how I will manage…especially when I feel like I am drowning…

I am trying to allow myself the space to grieve each loss, because that’s how I view them, but I struggle.

I struggle with the vulnerability and with the feeling of failure and with having unanswered questions. The crazy thing about the questions is I write them down as they come to me and so far they fill an entire page but I am afraid of the answers…and so they will continue to go unasked.

My life is forever changed as the deaths of these connections are more and more of a reality.

I have my coping methods but I never knew crying in the shower to hide my tears would become a normalcy for me…

I never thought I would continuously make concessions for another person to the point that I begin to shrink myself to spare their image…

I never imagined I would make excuses to justify being hidden in the shadows until deemed worthy for public consumption…

I have done all of these things for YEARS expecting that one day my obedience would be rewarded,yet as I write this, no matter how many times I stop to gain my composure, I still am engulfed in sadness because it just isn’t my reality.  No reward was given.

I was told you can’t break up with your soul mate, yet here I am…

I was told that if you set something free and it comes back to you then it was meant to be, yet here I am…

I was told that time heals all wounds, yet here I am…

I no longer believe in fairytales.

#OverForever

#ForeverOver

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4 thoughts on “Lost…and found?

    1. Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your truth. I have written about less “pretty” things before, I now want to share my story even with all the blemishes. I am happy if it resonates with just one person. *hugs*

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  1. Wooo lort… I’m so sorry again you have to deal with this major life changing experience.. but you are not alone.. you are strong AF and I admire your strength in this moment and to even write this post.. we all have a story and I’m so glad I can be by your side to tell it.. LOVE YOU TO LIFE!! #FoLife #WeRide

    Liked by 1 person

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