Anthony & I

I don’t remember the exact year that my disdain for the holidays began.  There was a time that I looked forward to the sights, smells and overall feeling that Fall leading into Winter would bring.  I can recall a couple of years when the kids were younger and my excitement would mirror theirs as the anticipation of family gatherings full of food and fun and the appearance of gifts under a tree would incite glee and merriment.  Those memories seem very distant now.

As the transition from Libra into Scorpio occurs, an eclipse over my mood begins.  Perhaps it can be attributed to SAD , but more than anything it is the impending doom that engulfs me as I try to figure out how to escape Thanksgiving.  Sure there are invitations that come in but nobody wants to feel pitied or like a charity case.  About two years ago I started a tradition of making it a staycation.  It helps to look forward to room service and those black out curtains but when you wake up on a day that should be shared with loved ones the realization of exactly how alone you really are is insurmountable.

Thanksgiving 2018 was especially hard for me.  If you follow me on Instagram you will see that I went out the night before and the show was actually great but as the minutes began to count down, the sadness began approaching.  I only shared how I was feeling with a couple of people as I knew they would keep my emotional state to themselves but I even shut them out on that day.  Before I went to bed on Wednesday night I cut my phone off, closed those black out curtains and allowed myself to be blanketed in all the pain I was feeling.

Between the bouts of gut wrenching sobs and doubts of my worth to this earthly realm I managed to finally turn on the television only to be greeted by a marathon of Parts Unknown.  Anthony Bourdain succumbed to what I can only guess were similar feelings to mine (eerily enough in a hotel room by himself) earlier this year leaving a lot of people questioning how someone who seemingly had it all would choose to leave that way.  It sticks out to me because one of the people I confided in about just how lonely I have been feeling said to me “you are too beautiful to feel lonely”…

I have learned as of late that all of these shells we walk around in are just that: shells.  An armor we put on each day to protect ourselves.  A hard outer mask to hide the delicate and sensitive inner parts from the gaze and scrutiny of others.  You can not ever think you know the true depth of what someone has to endure on a day to day basis.  We hide behind social media posts, hairstyles, makeup, clothing, etc. really just to pass the time.  It isn’t until we are alone with our thoughts that the illusion ends.

Yesterday was tough.  One of the hardest days for me this year.  There have been a few very eye opening and challenging moments as of late that are resting on my shoulders.  I have taken one for the team on several different occasions that got me to this point.  I did not know if I was going to make it to today and quite honestly, I did not care if I did.  I am typing this so yes, I did make it but the fight is not over.  The steps have been taken so that the battle is not as taxing but it will take time.

Check on your strong friends.  If you really care, invite them over BEFORE the holiday week draws near, otherwise, it may be too late.

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9 thoughts on “Anthony & I

  1. WOW!!!! As the tears roll down my face reading this… the thought of NOT having you here just scared the entire shit out to me.. FACTS to NEVER knowing what people are REALLY going thru.. I’m so glad you fought that demon and was able to push thru as the true champion you are. I love you and the world is for sure a better place with you in it.. #StrongFriendCheckIn #LoveYouToLife #FooorSure #Saaaandraaaaa

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  2. So, how should I go about inviting people over??? Sounds strange but I honestly have an open door home but still I feel lonely at times, I tell everyone they are welcome but they won’t just show up, I try dropping by but now as an adult some find that rude or invasive, I love to talk on the phone but most people prefer to text. It makes me sad as well… I love the holidays and I love for my home to be filled with joy but everyone just seems so SAD all the time, even when we are together. I’m so confused, haven’t seen you in years but just for a moment of nostalgia… impress me! We gotta do better!

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    1. I would say apply gentle pressure. The person you invite absolutely has the right to decline but they will feel the love and acceptance through the effort no matter what. Try not to take offense if they are unable to “show face” when you want them to. It is not a reflection on you. It is an inward struggle. I hope this helps. I am by no means claiming to be an expert, just speaking through my heart.

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  3. I applaud you for having the courage to be this transparent. I would have and wanted to do the same but when you have younger children, it prevents you from tapping into your feelings like you want because you put them 1st. It’s always important to be raw honest with yourself. Glad you pushed through and I pray we both continue to. Life is worth living despite the BS. I have to believe that.

    Liked by 1 person

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