Depression can present itself in the blink of an eye. I wouldn’t say that I don’t receive warnings; I know when something has triggered me. I can immediately feel when I am affected by something. The issue is getting in a safe mind space in enough time to ward off the depression.
What are the triggers? It can be any myriad of things. Take for example on a professional level – seeking perfection in the things that I project (for instance my writing), second guessing my contributions and worth in the office, embarking on new opportunities that I want to succeed…but we all go through that. Being a perfectionist is one of those things that can propel you to great heights or it can cripple you. I tend to procrastinate in those moments because I want it to be just right and more often than not I am pleased with my output. These triggers I overcome with little to no assistance.
Triggers in my personal life give me more of a challenge – questioning my decisions regarding relationships because I fear repeating the same mistakes or not questioning anything by taking whoever I am dating for who they are where they are and winding up exhausted from unhappiness, hearing from people in my past and feeling physically stressed, feeling guilty for creating distance and therefore spending time with people who are mentally and emotionally stuck which is essentially why I chose to distance myself in the first place. Simple solutions for each of these – BLOCK & DELETE but this dern heart of mine…I wind up feeling guilty for trying to protect myself.
We cannot stay complacent to our own detriment or demise. Others will move at their own pace regardless of how it makes us feel and we have to decide if waiting on them is worth the sacrifice we make to our own happiness and growth. You can’t hold on to some thing longer than needed for fear of hurting the feelings of someone else. The difference between now and that day back in November is I pay attention to the signals, the trigger warnings, and I take swift action because if I continue to suppress I don’t know what will happen…
I urge you to take the same precautions. It may cause you to walk away from the things you are used to but it is absolutely necessary. One of my foolproof ways of knowing that I need to walk away from something is recognizing when I am presenting myself in an altered state or not being my true self in order to deal. This can be with alcohol, emotional eating, being a gossip or negative towards someone else or anything that I do not normally do. If I have to do any of these things or if I recognize that I am giving too much of myself and not receiving in return, guess what? I remove myself.
Outside help may not always arrive. You have to help yourself. To this day I have in my phone the searches that I conducted on Thanksgiving Day 2018 – one was to see how to check myself into a hospital for depression and the other was to see if my insurance covered it. How responsible of me right? I have come very far since that day but I know I am not too far from being triggered enough to revisit those feelings.
You can’t skip self care – your passion and work ethic can be present, you can still maintain a social presence but you have to take care of yourself. You have to be able to pull the trigger(s) from your life that are doing you a disservice. What are some ways that you regroup to push forward?