Defeating Birthday Depression: Why I Used to Hate My Birthday & How I Reclaimed Joy

For years, my birthday felt more like counting down to disappointment than a time to celebrate. I struggled with feeling depressed and disconnected rather than experiencing the joy that others seem to embrace so easily. Along the way there was a shift - I made the decision to redefine what my birthday meant to me. If you have ever felt dread related to your special day, you are not alone. Here’s how I turned my birthday into a time that I enjoy instead of a day of avoidance.

Anxious, unmotivated, and to be honest, sadness went hand in hand when my birthday approached each year. It seemed like everyone around me had these grand plans with people clamoring to make their day special. I, on the other hand, struggled with birthday depression. I questioned why I was never excited to celebrate myself. Why was I happy celebrating my friends, even sharing my birthday with them, instead of focusing on myself? It was easier for me to downplay the day and hide behind the joy of others. Always making myself smaller. Was I the only person who felt this way?

If you have ever felt unhappy about your birthday, you’re not alone. Birthday blues are common. Many people experience them at various life stages. It could be due to the expectation, past disappointments or simply a disconnect from celebrating. Social media, television and movies and even our past experiences create this unrealistic pressure to have the “perfect” birthday. Being reminded of how fast life can pass us by coupled with societal obsession over youth is not my idea of fun. Being a woman adds to that because men become distinguished and we just get old apparently. If you don’t feel celebrated, as was the case with me, emotional withdrawal and loneliness will diminish the desire for a meaningful celebration.

Can you relate? Let me know in the comments.

Here is how I started enjoying my birthday again. I let go of the expectations. I stopped comparing my day to others. I made a conscious effort to forget past experiences and redefined what made my happy. How did I want to spend my day? What would feel authentic to me?

I created new traditions: as an Aries, our power color is red (which I very rarely wear), so to celebrate my astrological season I pick a red dress and take pictures to commemorate the day. I write a love letter to myself celebrating my accomplishments of the past year and tell myself how proud I am of me. I incorporate some form of self-care: something as small as a mani/pedi or a full spa day. Now that I am in school full time and an entrepreneur, this year it was lots of uninterrupted SLEEP! Whether a solo trip (2 years ago I did Bali and Dubai), a small celebration with loved ones (this year was a paint and sip) or taking a class in something you have always wanted to learn (last year I learned how to make pasta from scratch), creating your own birthday traditions and focusing on self-love instead of external validation could make a world of difference.

What is one thing you have done for yourself on your birthday that made you feel amazing?

How can you find your happiness on your birthday?

• Plan a “Me Day”

  • do whatever feels good for YOU

• Write a birthday reflection letter

  • celebrate what you made it through and set intentions for the year ahead

• Take a solo trip/staycation

  • explore your city, a neighboring town or your bucket list place

Celebrate yourself without pressure. I know that shifting your mindset takes time, so start small. Small steps are better than none at all. Your birthday is your time to be selfish. It is all about YOU - not expectations set by society. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself grace and approach you next birthday with an open heart and excitement.

Feel free to share this post with a friend who may need it. I would love to hear how you celebrate your birthday. Leave a comment below or tag me on Instagram @TheShanaEffect or @ShanaJanelle1 on TikTok to share your birthday joy!

From Triumphs to Tears: The Reality of Parenting and Co-Parenting

You know something that I don’t see many people talk about?  Parenting challenges.  Is everyone out here getting it right all the time because I am fighting for my life!

All jokes aside, parenting is the most rewarding as well as the most difficult role I have ever had.  I question my every thought, action and word at every instance.  I have cried equal amounts of joyous tears as I have tears of failure…that’s a lie, I am pretty sure the failures have surpassed the triumphs at this point. 

The thing is, I am probably being way too hard on myself, but I wouldn’t know because nobody shares the struggles.  I guess it wouldn’t be something you jump at sharing via social media but really who gatekeeps something like that?  If anything, maybe if we shared more, it would help in a sense?  But I’m a dreamer…

All I know is, I am so thankful for the times when vulnerabilities enter the chat.  Had they not, I would be feeling my way around in the dark even more than I am currently. 

I receive kudos often about being a successful co-parent, which I accept, but in the words of Patti LaBelle – ohhhh if…only you knew…

Truth be told it is successful because a lot of the time , I choose silence over violence (jokes).  Just this morning I was on my rapid-fire response kick, tears stinging at the corners of my eyes, while at work mind you, and I had to stop myself. 

I heard someone say once, take a beat before saying things.  Ask yourself these questions first: Is It true?  And if it is, is it necessary? 

And while I do believe my feelings and opinions are valid when it comes to the parenting of my young adults, sometimes it isn’t necessary to impart division in the team just to prove a point.  All I can do is hope that eventually we can have a meeting of the minds. 

Right now, I agree to disagree, I just keep it to myself.  Because let’s be honest – men don’t read all that shit anyway. ~shrug

An exceptional resource that was shared with me about challenges as a parent, is Kelly Corrigan Wonders…a podcast by Kelly Corrigan, titled: Parenting Challenges with Julie Lythcott-Haims.  It is available across various podcast platforms, and it is episode 103 from season 1. 

I had several lightbulb moments and took a lot of notes. Here are a few golden nuggets that stood out to me: 

1. stare in the face of your imperfections, needs and anxieties, etc., own them and move on. For them to witness that is the greatest set of teachings you can offer them

2. You have two choices: prepare the road for the child or prepare the child for the road. The former leads to anxiety, the latter leads to an adult

3. Nobody wants to be someone else’s project

I know that the traumas I suffered while growing up informed my parenting skills or lack thereof.  I vowed to do everything I could to shield my children from the horrors I faced and can admit that it backfired in some instances.  I try every day to be a better person and being a mother is no different.  To the other parents out there who may be feeling the pressure, you aren’t alone.  I will continue to be authentic in all that I share in the hopes that even if you don’t speak up and out, you know you have community in me. 

I will leave you with this:

“Without community, there is no liberation, only the most vulnerable and temporary armistice between an individual and her oppression.” – Audrey Lorde

Finding Timeless Style: How I Curbed Fashion Overconsumption and Embraced Versatility

Goodbye July!

I started capturing my outfits not for vanity reasons but because I was stagnant in my styling routine. 

Instead of discerning what I actually LOVE and what works best for my fluctuating body type, I just relied on over consumption. 

Not to mention that nothing cures a challenging period like packages arriving at your home or walking out of a store with something new. 

Well I have been learning to curb my enthusiasm for frivolous fashion.  I still get an aching for the occasional accoutrements but I look for longevity and versatility vs trendy. 

I still struggle with business wear as I find it dull and confining and I don’t subscribe to the societal standards of I should cover up because of my age.  If I like it, I will wear it until I no longer do. 

So all of these looks are me to a degree until I change my mind.  I will do me and as such you should in turn do you.

Finding Sisterhood and Connection at the Turkish Coffee Lady in Alexandria, VA

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of discovering a newfound sisterhood and connection at the Turkish Coffee Lady in Alexandria, VA, during a memorable coffee meet-up.

My heart is so full.

I don’t know what I was expecting from this group sip trip/this coffee date with Kisha at the Turkish Coffee Lady in Alexandria, VA…

I guess I was thinking it would be a small blogger meet up type deal though she did say she was inviting some of her friends outside of the content creation space… but the way my social anxiety is set up and the way my social meter can deplete rather quickly I am always on the defensive or on guard because I don’t know what I am walking into.

Will I feel comfortable? Will I feel safe in a space with a group of women? I am not completely closed off to the idea, I did attend after all (after fighting my anxiety), it’s simply that I try to go into situations with an open mind and wanting to forge new bonds but sometimes I am met with energy that is closed off which immediately makes me go into this mode of protecting myself and its due to past hurts from friendships.

But also, I have been praying and wanting a connection with women outside of my tried and true friend groups, who I really refer to as my sisters at this point. I have been working on closing the gap with my college sisters “the FIT3” as well as learning a new friendship space with my “usuals per usual” sisters but everyone is across the bridge!

I wanted to start developing friendships/camaraderie with women who are closer to where I live so I don’t have to leave out almost two hours ahead of time for a quick catch up.

In addition to that, in the wake of an immense tragedy that a long term friend is currently enduring, sitting with the magnified reality that I have had the opportunities to be immersed in memories and bonding with amazing, dynamic women in different phases of my life. Those relationships, if not strained, have simply fallen by the wayside or taken a backseat to whatever we all have had going on over the years. Having uncertainty about how exactly to show up for that friend when the closeness that once was, no longer lends itself to ease…

Never any love lost, even when things didn’t quite pan out the way we would have wanted or times when people didn’t see eye to eye, it’s still, at least on my part, no love lost and I still find myself missing them as life goes on…missing that bonding and sisterhood.

All that to say, with this meet up for coffee, I was in a room with nothing but beautiful women. Not beautiful in the physical sense, although they were, beautiful from a standpoint of mindset and energy. I feel invigorated, not from the coffee, but from the conversations and the bonding that occurred.

It is exactly what i have been missing; what I have been wanting to cultivate and nurture in my life as I get older.

I don’t want to be a loner; I have had the realization as of late that I have not always been a good person a lot of times in my life. I admit that.

I am not saying that I am the sole direct cause of a lot of the things that have happened with these relationship dynamics, but I definitely recognize that I too could have been better as a friend, as a person instead of pointing fingers or feeling hurt or wronged. There are things that I have done that I shouldn’t have been doing. I take full responsibility for those times.

But just being around these women - different walks of life, different age groups - hearing about how we all met Kisha and how she was the catalyst for changing for people how people viewed her, changing the perspective… it resonated with me.

Walk with me real quick…

I remember this from the class I took with Crystal Wright when I was starting my makeup career. We were learning how to do the layout for our portfolios (back when there were actual BOOKS you used to take on go sees to get booked on jobs), we had to layout our portfolio as if we were doing a layout in a print magazine. How would it look if someone opened it to a half page or is looking at it upside down, or whatever the case may be? What if their perception was skewed? You have to change the perspective sometimes. Look at things from a different viewpoint. Look at things void of your own personal bias.

And Kisha did that. She was able to change the perspective of the women she was coming in contact with. So much so that she has forged these lasting bonds outside of just a work environment and made them/us love her. Made them/us want to be friends with her and continue on this path of sisterhood.

Oh I just loved it! I felt energized, and not just from the coffee but because nothing compares to a black woman.

Be sure to check out Kisha’s blog - she is amazing at all things coffee, individual style, gifting ideas for the male figures in your life and our resident Nordstrom Know it All!

If you happen to be in Alexandria or planning to stop by soon - hop over to the Turkish Coffee Lady and try something new. Get there early because by the time we left at noon the place was packed!

Give Your Strong Friend a Break!

Do you check on your strong friend? Or do you check on them to see if they have time to be your strong friend? If you are the strong friend, do you have a strong friend? Who do you reach out to when dealing with something?

As the strong friend who was also diagnosed with PTSD and depression, my inclination is to deal with it on my own.

In my world, mild depression is equal to a chance of showers. In other words, it’s manageable. Instead of hunkering down in the house waiting for the storm to pass, I can push through because it’s not going to rain for long, if at all.

With major depression, however, some days the dark cloud looms, similar to a severe storm. When the forecast is calling for torrential downpours of depression, I don’t call on someone, like hey, do you want to join me in this storm that I really should take shelter from?

So, what’s the point in this discussion? I am the strong friend who needs a break! I often get people coming to me to vent or for advice. On a good day, I don’t mind but other days, when that personal forecast is gloomy, it can be too much. Sometimes I don’t have the bandwidth to operate in a position of support. To my own detriment, there are moments when I am unable to verbalize that. Sometimes I can’t say that I understand you are going through something, but I don’t have the capacity to be there for you because I am dealing with my own stuff.

On the flip side, I don’t go to someone else to dump my shit on them. If it is heavy for me, of course it will be heavy for someone else.

As of late, there have been a few instances where people dear to my heart and know what I have been challenged with proceeded to pour out to me and it was a LOT.

It got me to thinking about the times when I share with someone when they ask how I am doing…

A friend of mine asked me about a particular family member recently and I paused before answering. I had to decide if I wanted to be authentic, or gloss over the truth. How could I be true but succinct so as not to overburden them? The next thing my friend said gave me my answer: “I know that we are all carrying a lot, and I just want to make sure that my loved ones are ok.” I really appreciated that because I tend to keep things to myself. I don’t want to overwhelm anyone else because I am overwhelmed. A lot of us are.

I get it.

In that moment you just have to say it to somebody, whether it’s depression or just a bad day. You have to be cognizant, however, that it may be too heavy for someone to handle. I responded to my friend that I do know when it gets too heavy for me to carry on my own, I know I can depend on them.

The same way they say check on your strong friends, also give your strong friends a break. They may not be able to be a shoulder, or ear, or have ability to help you carry the load.

If you are the strong person that people depend on, you have to be able to set boundaries as well.

The season changed, the first quarter of the year is ending, Mercury is about to go retrograde, an eclipse happened; all kinds of things are coming up. Boundaries are very important right now. There is a lot going on in the world and you can be there for people but you also have to protect your peace.

I am exercising my muscle of vulnerability.  I am sharing things that affect me like depression & PTSD, and using my voice.  My voice is important, my voice deserves to be heard in all ways and always.  So every once in a while, I will share the quiet part out loud.  I hope you gain something from it and if you don’t, just use it for entertainment or don’t.  But I hope it helps.  I hope that I am sharing things that are helpful to others.  And I encourage you to also say the quiet part out loud.

SAMHSA helpline - 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

available 24/7-365

STEPS TO CALM YOURSELF

RELAX

TAKE CARE

GET ORGANIZED

TAKE BREAKS

GET THERAPY

Saying the Quiet Part Out Loud

I don’t know why I ever called this section “Lifestyle”. I guess I figured because I was sharing parts of my life that it was a nice way of packaging my inner most thoughts. Wrapping up the ugly in a pretty bow if you will. Anyone who ever took the time to read it would know the truth, so I wasn’t really fooling anyone but myself I suppose.

It probably explains why I have had such a tough time coming back to the writing. I am sure you noticed the huge gap in between my blog posts. It’s far easier to take a cute picture, or post an aesthetically pleasing meal or sunrise. Sharing poignant memes on social media allows one to hide behind the words of someone more popular, that way you can pretend it doesn’t really apply to you. Well…

I am tired of hiding. I am ready to face myself. Now that I have found my voice again, I am ready to QPOL…say the Quiet Part Out Loud.

It means to:

• Say What You Really Mean

• Drop The Pretense

• Admit Your True Aims

Even if another set of eyes never reads the words to come, I will be content because I am no longer lowering my voice or allowing others to speak from my soul. Only I can do that. I am the only one with my eye, with my voice.

*Taps Mic* Is this thing on?

Smokin’ Out the Window

Here you see me out and about, living life, enjoying myself. Which is what I should be doing. I deserve to experience any and everything I want because I work to be able to do so right? Well, ya girl is stressed today because I realized that unless something changes in the very near future this will be a serious year of no.

I am still working through my 2022 new year guide (grab one here - no I am not affiliated) and made it to the dreadful budget section. This is always a source of contention for me because as I said above, I work and I believe I deserve to eat, drink, buy, do what I want to do when I want to do it. My bank account however says otherwise. As for me, in all my Aries greatness, I do not appreciate having to explain myself nor answer to anyone but it doesn’t work well when it’s me facing myself.

According to this super adult version of a budget I would like to incorporate, including full automation, once I pay all my bills I am left with sitchoassdown we got food at home. That’s the vibe and I am NOT pleased. I got so upset working on it that I got emotional, tears and all, and began to stress snack (now I see where this extra weight came from). Definitely had me smoking out the window, singing how could she do this to me, but it’s me doing it to myself.

I used my burst of emotional energy to put the snacks away, clean the kitchen and think this through. It is definitely going to sting a bit at first but if I do this correctly I will no longer be behind the 8-ball of budgeting. For a brief period of discipline, I will be able to plan for and execute my next grand idea and dream. Discipline will serve me well because this dream of mine is a doozy as they say, but attainable for sure. I don’t know if a year-long “no buy” is in my DNA but this will be damn near close to it and I know those that matter don’t mind, as well as those that do mind, don’t matter. I also know that my circle will want to know what they can do to “save” me from having to decline most activities but I do not want them to. This is something I have to do for myself, I do not want to be a damsel in distress.

I have always had my sights set on something beyond DC, MD & VA and it will happen. Watch my smoke.

Reasonable Doubt

Having spent the greater part of my life in the DMV area (yes I typed it with the accent - IYKYK), I can understand the doubt related to today’s forecast. There were quite a few social media posts that echoed the shock felt around the region when we actually woke up and saw that we did get significant snowfall and accumulation. As for me? Well, I woke up almost every hour and looked out my window to check…the window where I left the blinds completely open so I could glance from the comfort of my bed without moving too much. I had hope and it came to pass.

It got me thinking about the concept of doubt. Doubt - a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction. Those who didn’t quite trust the predictions of our favorite tv weather personalities had reasonable doubt. Far too often we have been told to expect snow only to get a trace, dusting, or nothing at all. Given that track record, it made sense to not fully trust it. The same goes for life.

I was speaking with a friend about their apprehension to have experiences outside of this area. I was thinking about all of the times I have been wary of leaving something comfortable for the unknown. My friend agreed. These are reasonable doubts to have. However, just like Jay Z’s 25-year-old album, sometimes you don’t know something will be worth doing, that it will become a classic memory until you take that leap of faith.

Just as I stayed up half the night looking for snow that at least covered the grass, I will not allow doubt to hinder my hope in the what-ifs. Hope could give me results greater than my wildest dreams, just as it blanketed the neighborhood in snow. Hope could lead to something beautiful.

Don’t Look Up

When writing my blog I usually begin with the title. Normally there is something clever bubbling in my brain that pushes my thoughts but today is different. I can’t think of anything at the moment to draw the reader in, and I didn’t take any pics today so I am just going to write and by the time you read this hopefully, a spark appears.

I just finished the Netflix film ‘Don’t Look Up’. Before I even got to the end I sent out a tweet that said the film was both hilarious and frightening. I promise no spoilers but my tweet was accurate…oh and make sure you watch through ALL of the credits.

I mention the movie because it made me think back to yesterday’s post where I wrote about the love letter I wrote to myself that will remain sealed until 12/31/22. When writing it I had a fleeting moment where I thought, what if I’m not here to read this 364 days from now? What will I include in this letter that will give whoever finds it not only a glimpse into my current mindset but also what I wanted to accomplish this year?

This thought passed quickly and it was not based on doom and gloom or the anticipation of an early demise, it was more matter of fact, like hmm that’s interesting and then I continued on with my writing. The movie, however, made me think of it again. This time from a different lens - how would I want to spend my last days if I knew the exact moment of the end? Would I want to be numb and under the influence of something? Would I want to be with loved ones by visiting them leading up to that moment or with them at the last moment? If I had so many odd years, months, or days remaining in this earthly realm what would I regret not experiencing?

As I type this, I am still pondering, both the answer to that question and the title of this blog…I have been blessed to have amazing experiences in this life of mine, and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon, but what am I squandering my time and attention on? Do I have the luxury of grand plans for the future or do I need to do more to live in the moment? I honestly believe it’s the latter. Don’t look up at the sky waiting for the comet to hit, live every second to your full potential.

Make Do in 2022

We need a resolution, we have so much confusion… Aaliyah really hit the nail on the head with that one huh?

It’s that time of the season when we all take stock of how we made use of our time in the prior year & vow to do better in the current year. And while I have seen a bit of resolution downplay and resistance, the truth is no matter what you call it, we are all doing some reflection and planning.

I didn’t do much for New Year’s Eve - I normally don’t, but this year I really upped the ante - I didn’t even pop the bottle of champagne I had. I wore a dusty-ass house dress (that is now in the trash) and a bonnet, ate birria tacos, watched Netflix, and put my phone on Do Not Disturb when the clock struck midnight so as to avoid the barrage of Happy New Year texts. And you know what? I have no regrets.

Plans for the weekend fell through, I had to set boundaries for my time regarding my NYE plans and I am better for it. I slept as late as I wanted today, I didn’t wake up with a hangover and I eased into the new year void of stress and obligation to anyone but me and the mini teen since her plans fell through & she ended up at home with boring ol’ me. HA!

I like this feeling of ease, of making the best of it with what I have. Some may call it making it do what it do or simply making do and so I will go with that theme for 2022. In 2021, my theme was The Race is Won in 2021 (wrote a blog about it, like to read it? here it go!) and it served me well because I ran a marathon in a number of areas which resulted in great wins. So for 2022 my theme is Make Do in 2022. Make do with what you have and if you find you need a little more, then make it do what it do to go get it.

There are some changes coming up for me this year and while I do have some nerves associated with them, I know I have what it takes. I will make do.

Picked up some extra weight and almost signed up for a weight loss program until the owner turned out to be a bit of an ass who thrives on body shaming so I know I can spark the motivation and determination to get my body back in gear on my own. I will make do.

I saw a tweet where someone mentioned wearing lingerie for NYE, and while I didn’t do that, I said to myself, self - get up and get cute for yourself today. I did just that and threw on this little set I picked up two years ago during the first quarantine (from Forever 21 but completely sold out), and a lacy robe (Love Vera) and said this will be my lounging lingerie for the day. I made do.

I wrote a letter to myself today. A love letter of sorts that I sealed and will not read again until 12/31/22. I told myself things that I thought I may need to hear 364 days from now. I encouraged myself to experience all the things that I keep putting off hoping to do with friends or on a date. I reassured myself that even though I may stumble a bit on some days that I have what it takes to keep going. I reflected on all the highs of 2021 and said fuck it to the lows, didn’t even mention them. I gave myself what I needed because I am the only one who has what I need to be full; to continue to make do.

Consistently Challenged

Consistency challenges are popular amongst content creators or creatives in general because they push us to new heights in our realms of expression. New supporters, brand recognition and even cash prizes are just some of the rewards one can expect to receive for their dedication to remaining disciplined to reach the finish line. Some of my best novice iPhone photography has been as a direct result of participating in consistency challenges.

But you want to know my favorite place to show up and show out? It’s when I am challenged by someone who attempts to exercise microaggressions towards me and I consistently show up with time stamped and dated receipts. Oh the joy it brings me to crack my knuckles and fire off a well-crafted response, complete with evidence and a cc: to whomever was included in an attempt to incorrectly point out my mishandling of a situation. The cherry on top? The sweetest closing remarks to conceal just enough of my annoyance that I have to check you that I can muster - the equivalent of don’t try me, try anyone else but me. My friends call it my “becky email”, or I “becky’d” it, you may recognize it as a “per my last email” email, but it can really be any form of communication.

Funny enough, when I awoke this morning I was dragging a bit. I stayed up way past my bedtime editing and well you know how that goes. I also had a desire to post but didn’t know what to say, so having to assert myself over a microaggression before 8a was the jolt I needed. Better than any caffeine your favorite barista can overcharge you for and I got it for free! Here’s to hoping I can kick back for the rest of the day with no further incidents. Here’s to consistently being challenged but never missing an opportunity to show and prove.

Your Blues Ain’t Like Mine

1 day to go

& I’m feeling pretty low

Not downright sad

But melancholy is just as bad

It should be celebratory

However i don’t feel performative

Low key, just me, my babies

that’s all and that’s it

It’s been a while since I’ve felt the blues, over a year in fact. The cloud began to form a week or so ago and I thought I’d be able to shake it off…

I did well during the stay at home order last year this time. Having a birthday during quarantine and attending virtual celebrations took the pressure off. The gatherings felt more genuine but so much has changed since then.

So many are eager to return to this thing they refer to as “normal” and I realize that I was actually enjoying the NEW normal. I had a peace in the protection of being at home.

Energy Shift

Energy is a real thing.  If the energy is good I can stay in a space and forget that time has passed.  If the energy is bad all of my fight vs. flight alarms start blaring loudly and I can’t relax.

Pay attention to the energy around you.  You are not a tree, you are able to move.  If you’ve devoted time to something but the energy changes, decrease the time spent.  Simple math.

We tend to rationalize participation in situations because we don’t want to make someone feel bad or feel guilty for putting ourselves first - cut that out.  Speak up for yourself.  Decline invites if something is lacking.  If a person truly cares about you they will understand and if they don’t?  Well then govern yourself accordingly with that person.  “No.” is still a complete sentence.

Today the energy is good.  Today I stayed in this space and slept in because I had no concept of time (it’s very rare that I sleep in).  Today I can relax in my Pretty Little Thing loungewear all day.  Today I will spend time planning other ways I can manage my consumed energy and put myself first.  Birthday plans loading...

If you actually took the time to read and made it this far, thank you 💋 and tell me what will you do for yourself today?

What Will Be Your Legacy?

How will you be remembered?  Ever since Nichole passed that question has been on replay in my brain.  Scores of purple hearts flooded timelines as news of her transition began to spread and not one person had anything negative to say.  Not one.  Even those not directly touched by the warmth of her light spoke of the glow that spread from her reach.

You couldn’t help but envy her ability to conquer her wanderlust; every trip seemed attainable because she didn’t brandish her ability to do so, she encouraged you to do the same.  We shared a love of brunch and wine and often giggled over our misadventures via messages back and forth on Instagram.  It was an easy camaraderie void of pretension.

My ex-fiancé shared that she made him experience more, get out and enjoy life with zeal, connected with people who brought him joy and made him feel like he was living life to the fullest.  Some of the best moments in his adult life...his words, not mine.  Says a lot right?

Others called her a conduit, a magnetic force, the connecting fiber amongst many walks of life who had many wishing that her life be spared instead of their own or that some of the basic ass bitches left roaming the earth be taken instead of her (again, not my words).  Harsh but you can’t fault other’s feelings in times of grief.

And so I’m haunted by the question of my legacy.  Many speak on their kids being theirs and to each his or her own but I want my children to  live their own lives, have their own identities.  Lord knows I’ve made a mess of a LOT in my life, therefore of course I wouldn’t want them to suffer in those shadows.  So what will I leave behind?  What will be said when my time draws near?  I honestly don’t think it will be anywhere as impactful, and certainly not as nice as what I’ve read about Nichole and all I can do from this second forward is be better.  

Thank you Nichole for supporting my endeavors despite our connection being based on a relationship that had been expired.  Once it ended you could’ve chosen a side as so many others did and continue to do, but you didn’t.  We kept in contact and began to build our own rapport.  I just wish I had been able to see you in person one more time so I could embrace you and tell you that face to face.

I will be better because you showed many of us how to do so. 💜

And so dear reader I ask you, how do you want to be remembered?

The Race is Won in 2021

“The race is not given to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but to those that endure to the end.”

It’s that time of year when we take a look at how we maneuvered in the year before and take stock of the corrections needed. I actually don’t feel that 2020 kicked my ass. It most certainly was a challenge but I have endured much more. When 2020 began, my mantra was “All me in 2020” and damn if that didn’t happen. I had all the time in the world to focus on me, and I am better for it. The relation between the year and what is known as perfect vision is not lost on me. Many things were cleared from my path allowing me to see more clear. We all had to pivot in some way to make it to 2021 and for me the race continues on.

I say this often but I am only in competition with myself. I have no guilt for doing things my way and in my own time. I have no remorse for saying no to things that no longer serve me well. Any time I have sat with myself and been intentional about my work, whatever that work happens to be, I have proven successful and this year will be no different.

Literally anything we desire is within reach if we just take the time to map it out. Our resources are limitless:

• Coursera

• Pinterest

• YouTube

• Google (still your friend)

Those are just a few of the sites I frequent regularly to learn about whatever pops into this brain of mine. I no longer had regular access to my photographer so I researched how to take my own photos with the most basic equipment. I tested out what I learned for 30 days straight and saw my reach grow over 100%, interactions with my content over 400% and my followers steadily increasing. I even had people asking if I could take their photos for them, my own photographer complimented me on a technical term that I did not even know I captured (I know now though). I wanted a new opportunity at work so I enrolled in a certificate program at Cornell University in a subject I had no clue about, but I passed with over 90%, earning my certification from an ivy league university amongst professionals who have done this work for most of their career, and I was able to get my organization to cover the cost. I am a few weeks away from earning yet another certification in a totally different subject from Coursera (see link above for 50% off your first course - you’re welcome). Not too shabby for someone with JUST an associates degree…

This is not a brag, I just want you to know that it works. All of this works if you work it and you don’t have to sprint to get there. I move at my own pace. Take your time, study the craft you wish to improve and then implement what you have learned. It really is that simple once you get out of your own way. Enjoy the rest of this weekend, we all deserved the celebration but after the champagne is dried up and you put away your sequins, kick off your shoes and get to the intentional work. There is no crystal ball to predict the outcome but I know the work will be rewarded with the fun you are entitled to.

I plan to keep up my pace in 2021 and I hope you are inspired to do the same.

The Anniversary

3 years ago today I had a hysterectomy. That’s it, that’s the tweet. The caption. The title. A blip on the radar of my life that I attempt to suppress as the seconds, minutes, months, and years tick by. Except it’s not that simple. I am engulfed in sadness with each anniversary of that day.

But why? I never had aspirations of the perfect nuclear family. My childhood didn’t paint that picture for me. Sure I wanted kids, but always pictured myself globetrotting with them in tow with no husband in sight. I really knocked that one out the park huh? But that’s another story for another day. The point is I saw one or two children and once I achieved that I knew I was done. So as the doctor asked me if I was sure I was ready to remove my ability to ever have kids again why was I overcome with sadness to the point I had to call my mom? At that very moment I felt so alone, so small, and at this huge crossroads...should I really do this?

I was on one of the biggest jobs of my makeup artist career. It went extremely well and I was invited to go celebrate. We sat at this upscale restaurant and reviewed the highlights of the day with delicious food and beverages but I had to get ready to head home. As I got up to use the restroom I realized that I had bled through a tampon, and a pad, and my clothes onto these beautiful white leather seats in front of crew members. They were super sweet about it and I made it home but I never got called from that production company again.

I never wanted to relive that moment. I was tired of having to go buy new clothes during a work day due to accidents. I could no longer buy 2-3 boxes of tampons and pads every two weeks for a cycle that never ended. I was over having to explain what my body was doing to different doctors who didn’t seem to take me seriously, even after showing them pictures of huge blood clots expelled from my body only to have them prescribe a variety of hormone cocktails to taper off the bleeding to no avail. I wanted control of my body again without fear and uncertainty.

So I signed away my ability to carry another child as I didn’t feel I had another choice. Every year I’m surprised by the anniversary and every single year I relive the sadness. Every year I am reminded that I also ended up in the hospital again after my surgery due to a pulmonary embolism. The blood clots on my lungs were the result of the hysterectomy and could’ve killed me. Every year I am relieved that I am not living in fear of my body but now I also pray that my daughter doesn’t have to endure that monthly trauma; that she has a normal cycle and doesn’t inherit that torment.

Fibroids, endometriosis, PCOS, and the like, are conditions that a number of us endure but feel apprehensive about discussing because I guess blood and vaginas aren’t exactly sexy topics. Just know you aren’t alone and that may not seem like much but in those moments of trying to tie something around your waist to hide an accident, debilitating pain while at work or any other time that you feel alone, all you want is someone to get it. Trust me, I get it.

Mirror, Mirror is a liar!

I JUST wrote a love letter to my body, namely my curves, a few months ago. How TF am I looking at myself in this video in disbelief ? That can’t be me…right? Its no way I just looked in the mirror before I left the house, when I arrived at my destination for the day and took video to post with not one concern and now I am looking at this footage as if I am looking at a different person…

Now don’t get me wrong, I do love the skin I’m in (when it’s acting like it has some damn sense) but you know what I love most? My confidence. Its valuable because it took me a long time to earn it. So many years of feeling awkward and unloved, not only by others but also by me did a number honey. It’s a culmination of so many things that I will get the courage to talk about one day, but I finally was able to love me for me. So for that we can’t afford any setbacks. That means it’s time to get to work.

I know my last few posts were about changing eating habits but this one is about doing the work along with the healthy eating. I promise this is not becoming a fitness and diet platform because I def don’t have the time nor interest, but this is about what I’m “on”, and right now I’m on trying to not wake up with aches and pains every got damn day, not having to wear body shapers and waist trainers for the rest of my life and wearing exactly what I WANT to wear when I want to wear it instead of wearing what is only available in my size that wont have me looking crazy like I did in that video.

and yes those are my lashes on the table…stop being nosey! ;)

Now let me say this - I am still going to post the video (look out for it next Monday **spoiler alert** its a weekend vlog from Labor Day weekend), I am not going to waste footage; it will serve as the “before” for my sure to come “after”. Oh, and the bathing suit try on haul I recorded? I will redo that and do a side by side comparison of my progress.

Sis is determined, sis is about the snatch, sis is about that work…I am sis.

Quarantine without question - Day 32

As with most of the world, I am in quarantine. Having reached the 30 day mark, I currently have no qualms or questions about this change to my routine.

Not having the ability to do what you want, when you want, outside of your home is a challenge but I haven’t suffered.

It’s a strange parallel to find myself in.

I’m writing this at 4:31a, but now when insomnia visits I don’t worry about how it will affect my output at work. I don’t commute and I can take a nap. Suddenly I have enough hours in the day.

I have seen some of my favorite artists performing some of my favorite songs for free or a very nominal fee.

I have been physically distant without socially suffering:

•I’ve danced for hours straight at some of the best parties

•worked out almost every day

•tried new recipes

•met new people

•won multiple prizes at virtual parties (yes I won that bottle pictured and it was delivered to me!)

•reconnected with others

•virtually dated +++

•spent more time with family and friends

All of these (& then some) were done without leaving the comfort of my home. All of these align with my mantra for this year which was “All Me in 2020”...I’ve lived out loud!

Uncertainties remain of course, and I don’t take the current status of the world we live in lightly by any means. If anything I’ve been granted clarity, a break from monotonous living and a chance to change the trajectory of my future. Here’s to hoping we all come out of this better than when we were forced into it.

Day 32 of...???

How to Process Trending Topics that Trigger You Personally

Learning how to process trending topics that trigger you personally is a skill that can serve you in many ways, not just on social media. Yesterday my knowledge proved just how helpful it could be.

Clifford Joseph Harris, Jr., better known as T.I. is not an outlier.  His beliefs about and actions towards women are not a foreign concept.  We all know men who “jokingly” make these same comments and decisions. In a recent episode of his podcast, ‘Expeditiously‘, he plainly stated to his wife that he owned half of her “box” and had every right to go inside and “take” what belonged to him.  Yesterday, the word “hymen” began to trend on twitter after revealing that he regularly takes his daughter to have hers checked to ensure that she is still a virgin. Shortly thereafter I began to feel, as they say, “a way…”

When I was about 16, same age that T.I. said he began policing his daughter’s puberty, I experienced something similar from my own father…I believe my mother had told him that I was into boys or whatever the case may be. He made his way to my room and made some comments about it; suffice it to say they weren’t very warm.

Years before this incident, I shared with my father that the son of his then girlfriend had behaved inappropriately towards me. He asked me to tell him exactly what happened, which I did. I was told to stay away from the son…do with that what you may.

Yesterday, with all the commentary regarding T.I. and his parenting discrepancies between his sons and daughters, I found myself revisiting these two events specifically. I felt it affecting my mood. I needed to figure out why, but in a healthy way.

I share these memories not to garner pity or join the hunt against T.I.P. , no matter how much I disagree with his actions. I share because as you can see I was triggered and I was not expecting to be. Before therapy, my coping mechanisms were failing. With the holidays approaching, many find this time of year challenging and I wanted to share ways to process without internalizing.

• WRITE IT OUT – I know everyone is not a blogger or fancy themselves some prolific wordsmith, and it does not have to be that. Simply get a journal and write whatever comes to mind. Therapy taught me that when the writing gets to be too much, step away from it, and I will be honest with you guys, it does get tough at times. If someone has hurt you, instead of posting a subliminal or texting them a paragraph, write them a letter…and then get rid of it. Rip it up, throw it away, burn it (safely) or however you choose to dispose of it. Often times just letting the words (and even the tears) pour out of you can serve as solace

• READ/LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND – cancel culture is the new peer pressure. It is easy to get swept into the wave of whats trending and begin to question your own beliefs. As stated, I am upset about a lot of what T.I. was saying in his interview with the ‘Ladies Like Us‘ podcast (the episode has now been deleted and the hosts have issued an apology), but before I just fell in with the crowd, I made sure to listen to the entirety of what he was saying, including how the hosts led up and responded to his remarks. It may not change your opinion but at least do your due diligence before allowing the masses to sway you/trigger you for no good reason.

• LET IT OUT – scream, cry, fight the air, eat the ice cream, drink the wine whatever you need to do but get it out and don’t let it linger. You are not required to be strong all the time so don’t feel like you need to pretend to be.

These are just a few ways to breathe, stretch, shake and let it go but there are many more, including simply unplugging even briefly.

How do you process without internalizing? Tell me in the comments or feel free to email me – shanajanelleon@gmail.com

Community Over Competition

“Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

– Oprah Winfrey

It began innocently enough, a simple inquiry into how I maintain balance, cloaked in a compliment. I responded in kind, being as patient and helpful as I could in explaining the process. What started as a plea for guidance quickly escalated into a barrage of insults-fake/edited life, frivolous content, unstable, etc. I continued trying to explain and others came to my defense (initially) but ultimately it was up to me to go high as this person went low. I took the focus off myself and still attempted to provide the advice that was initially requested whether it was really desired or not.

My writing is cathartic for me. I’ve been a writer for as long as I can remember. In elementary school, when things were chaotic around me, I would lose myself in a book or heal myself through filling up page after page of crisp white paper at a frenetically rhythmic pace. The only thing that’s changed is the medium used (though I still love the feel of fresh gel pens in a new journal). I share what I share with you because without fail, I get messages from some of you thanking me for being open because they know they aren’t the only one dealing with whatever the subject matter is. I know how it feels to think you are alone. So when someone questions how I have the audacity to live out loud I am unfazed. If I can help but one person then I am doing it correctly.

Beware those that act like they have an interest in what you are doing when you begin to shift your norms. The ones who are comfortable in your struggle may not be pleased with your come up. You know what you are doing. You know you are using your power to shift your life in the direction you want it to go. Someone who has settled won’t understand that concept and that’s ok. Everyone may not support your endeavor(s), do it anyway.

You will always sound like you’re bragging to people who don’t share your hunger. Keep your power moves and life goals guarded. Just put your head down and do the work. When you do that you can’t focus on what someone else is doing. The naysayers get their energy from having access to you, by knowing they have your ear to point out what they feel are your flaws, by expressing what they think is your lack of success.

This doesn’t mean you don’t need a support system because you most certainly do. I work hard for what I desire but my personal board of directors (only my CLOSEST loved ones) are privy to my business plans and they help to hold me accountable.

This particular exchange that I describe today is a combination of a few interactions I had in the span of a few days. I know that the conversations that sought to question my audacity to live my dreams were born from them having the same desire (because they expressed it to me), yet lacking the courage to do so.

If you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation where you are having to explain yourself remember you don’t have to. You can ask yourself if you are in a situation that reflects what you feel you deserve, the only answer to that question is yes. If you aren’t, you know what to do. Never settle.